OMAHA, NE - Kenneth Mordechai was assembling a futon when he reached for an Allen wrench that had mysteriously vanished. According to sources, he shrugged off the matter and went to his tool chest, knowing full well that he'd gotten a free Allen wrench with every furniture purchase over the last twenty years, so he had to have one somewhere. However, to his surprise, there was not a single Allen wrench to be found.
"I should have hundreds of these by now!" lamented Mordechai. "My wife's going to wonder why the futon isn't set up yet and she'll blame me, but really it's the wrench's fault. They're so tiny and easy to lose!"
Long time friend of the family James Matthew later told reporters that Mordechai frantically searched the house for any sign of the tiny wrench but came up empty-handed.
"It was awful," said Matthew. "I really felt for him. I ran home to get one myself, but it turned out I don't have any either. It just goes to show you can't take a good Allen wrench for granted."
Allen wrench engineers worked hard to develop the tool over a century ago. They designed it to be small and portable, but experts say they didn't count on it being a vital tool for furniture assembly.
"This tool, which I have dubbed 'Allen,' shall be crucial to the new automotive industry. We shall make the tool scarce, reserved only for manufacturers so that random people won't start unscrewing your motor car," said Donald Allen of the Allen Manufacturing Company 112 years ago.
For reasons unknown, the wrench was instead used for furniture that could just as easily be assembled with a typical Philips head screwdriver.
Mordechai, a master improviser, eventually threw the futon together with some paperclips. "No one's going to use the dumb thing anyway," he said.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.