WASHINGTON, D.C. - According to sources at the White House, Jerry Falwell, Jr. and Robert Jeffress approached President Trump in a special meeting Tuesday, asking him to sit at his right hand and left hand when he goes into glory.
Falwell, Jr. and Jeffress came to him. "Mr. President," they said, "we want you to do for us whatever we ask."
"What do you want me to do for you?" the president asked. "I'm very good at doing things for people. The best, maybe ever."
They replied, "Let one of us sit at your right and the other at your left in your glory."
Trump sighed and looked pensively out the window. "You don't know what you are asking," he said. "Can you drink the cup I drink? See, it says 'Number 1 President' right on the side. I don't think you can drink from that cup. I'm not sure, but it might be illegal."
"We assure you, we can!" the pair of evangelical leaders said, falling to their knees to grovel.
"Stop groveling! So depressing," Trump replied.
He continued, "To sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. Indeed, you will drink from the cup of persecution for believing in me, however. The fake news media will be all over you."
Other evangelical leaders like Pat Robertson, Franklin Graham, and Jim Bakker were indignant when they heard that Falwell and Jeffress had asked him, insisting that they had all been promised places of glory when Trump conquers the world.