Internet Worldviews
Facebook Claims Kidnapping Dennis Prager, Torturing Him In Abandoned Warehouse Was 'Honest Mistake'

SILICON VALLEY, CA— Facebook on Friday issued an apology to PragerU for “mistakenly” removing Dennis Prager from his La Cañada Flintridge home late Wednesday night and torturing him in a dirty warehouse somewhere in Reseda.

“Last night, Dennis Prager disappeared from his house around 1:30 a.m.,” the PragerU twitter account tweeted on Thursday. This morning at about 4:30 a.m., Dennis Prager was dropped off in a dark alley in Pacoima with a black bag tied around his head and his arms tied up. A note was attached to his suit jacket that read “Sorry, our mistake” in sloppy black magic marker, written on official Facebook stationery.

Later this morning, Facebook issued an official apology. “Our operatives mistakenly removed Dennis Prager from his home the other night. After further review, Mr. Prager’s videos do not break our standards,” Facebook wrote. “Therefore, we apologize for breaking a few of his fingers, removing one ear, and torturing Mr. Prager with jumper cables attached to his person.” Prager claims Facebook had his tongue in a pair of pliers, ready to be removed when the operatives—two large, unidentified men with New Jersey accents and black ski masks—received a phone call from a man they referred to only as “Zucky.”

Facebook says what happened to Mr. Prager was an “honest mistake” and attributed the mishap to the current controversy surrounding the tech giant’s attempt at filtering “inappropriate, hateful online content.”

“This whole content-filtering process has turned out to be a pretty big omelette,” Facebook spokesman Vinny Vincente told the press. “Unfortunately, under circumstances like these, a few eggs are gonna get broken. Tell Mr. Prager we’re real sorry.”