CHICAGO, IL—America celebrated today as violent extremists came together in a violent clash, killing each other and ending the nation’s problems for good. Extremist groups from the far left and far right heroically united in completely eliminating each other after a massive battle royale on a Chicago street. When the confrontation ended, in what some might call a miracle, not one survivor was left standing.
It began when extremist groups converged after White Nationalists planned a rally in downtown Chicago. Members of other groups arrived to counter-protest carrying bats, brass knuckles, AR-15s, nunchucks, clubs, chainsaw bayonets, and those giant ACME hammers and anvils. After shouted insults were traded back and forth between the groups, a fight broke out that erupted into an all-out brouhaha.
The white nationalists, only numbering in the low 20’s, were eliminated almost immediately. Still hungry for blood, the leftist groups turned on each other, even attacking members of their own organizations.
“There was eventually so much dust, pot smoke, e-juice vapor, and AXE body spray in the air that visibility was near zero,” said Officer Peter Kirk who arrived at the bloody scene. “Best we can tell, the rioters were just swinging their weapons blindly, taking out whoever was closest. Eventually, everyone died.” The officer had a tear in his eye as he spoke about the incident. “It’s beautiful.”
A celebration was planned in the intersection where the event took place. “A lot of people thought these groups would never accomplish anything with their violent, hateful tactics,” one speaker said during the ceremony. “Others said there was no way these groups would ever be able to find common ground and work together toward any kind of peace. Well, everyone has been proven wrong today. What these groups accomplished by completely obliterating each other is going to bring real healing to our nation.”
Officials unveiled a 30-foot pillar in memory of those who gave their lives in the great cause to end violent extremism once and for all with the words “Mutuo Propter Vertam” (Thanks for wiping each other out) engraved above the names of the fallen.