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Extremist Pastor Attacks Cafe With Super Soaker, Dozens Baptized

ORANGE, CA—Patrons at Winthrop’s Cafe in Orange found themselves victims of a random attack on Tuesday that will change their lives forever. The cafe-goers were enjoying their soups and salads when 35-year-old senior pastor of Everlife Community Church, Marty Muggins barged onto the premises armed with a Super Soaker and opened fire on the crowded cafe.

“I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and of the Holy Spirit!!!" he was reported to have shouted along with other incoherent religious exclamations as he totally immersed his victims.

By the time police arrived on the scene, Muggins had performed coercive baptism on all forty-seven of the patrons including elderly cafe owner Alton Winthrop. Forty-one lives were saved and involuntarily welcomed into the Kingdom of God after coming face-to-face with Muggins’ water-filled weapon. Six, who had been previously baptized, were recommitted. Officers attempted to apprehend the suspect, but he opened fire on the authorities, baptizing multiple officers. 

“A lot of good cops got themselves baptized today,” said OPD Chief Bill Corwin. “We don’t take that lightly.”

“This is the kind of thing that changes your life forever,” said cafe patron Sally Rivers. “I’ll always look back on this day as the moment some lunatic with a squirt gun barged into my life and snatched my old life away, baptizing me into the Kingdom of Heaven forever.”

The water gunman remains at large. Authorities are asking the public to be on the lookout for the rogue pastor but are warned he is armed and Baptist.

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