PACIFIC OCEAN - In what experts are calling a statistical impossibility, intrepid explorers have announced the discovery of a remote island in a secluded corner of the Pacific Ocean that has been untouched by Pride Month.
This inconceivable discovery comes at a time when every infinitesimal piece of modern life has been enriched with joyous, inclusive messages urging everyone to celebrate Pride Month or else be destroyed.
"It was truly shocking to enter the island village lacking the requisite Pride parades and rainbow banners," wrote head explorer, Captain Bob Magellan (he/him), in his vellum-lined explorer's diary. "These natives seem bizarrely content and happy, despite a complete absence of the neverending deluge of LGBTQ awareness campaigns. Utterly fascinating."
Anthropologists are baffled that the isolated community has survived this long without access to pansexual kindergarten teachers, gender-fluid TikTok influencers, and blue hair dye. The current hypothesis is that the island's children are smiling because they don't even know how oppressed they could choose to be by arbitrarily switching genders or sexual orientations.
Typically, the anthropological community takes great care in minimizing modern influences among aboriginal cultures, but all experts have agreed that, in this case, an exception must be made for the survival of this remote island population.
UPDATE: Thanks to the courage of activist missionaries, the island is now overrun with Pride flags, and all inhabitants are currently attending a compulsory drag queen story hour.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
