Op-Ed
Op-Ed: Everything Went Downhill After Men Stopped Wearing Hats

Hats. They’re what separate us from the animals. You can put a hat on a donkey, but it’s not going to like it. When a man wears a hat, though, it shows he is civilized. He has respect for himself and others. And that’s why when men stopped wearing hats, everything started to go wrong.

Think of all the things that have happened since men stopped wearing hats. Terrorism. The Vietnam War. Coronavirus. People not being able to tell a man from a woman. Rap music. And you can trace it all to people saying, “I guess I just won’t wear a hat today.” You know who I blame? JFK. No respect for anyone, that guy. Just walking around with his scalp exposed to the open air and telling everyone it’s okay. And now people dress like slobs in t-shirts and jeans looking like hobos on laundry day.

A quick science chart I drew on the napkin that came with my pudding this morning.

So now we’re here, country falling apart, and the solution is sitting right there in the closet: your hat. But no one wears a decent hat today except freaks. I saw a plump gentleman the other day with a fedora like in the good old days, and I said, “Hey, here’s someone with his head on straight.” Ends up he was an atheist, and all he wanted to talk about was something called “anime.” Back in my day, we used to handle atheists by putting them in burlap sacks and throwing them in the river, but that’s a discussion for another day.

So decent folk need to reclaim hats. You put your hat back on next time you go outside and we’ll start turning this country around. And then I can tell you what else is wrong with you.

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