KENOSHA, WI—In a surprise ruling, the jury presiding over the Rittenhouse trial has found every man in the country except Kyle Rittenhouse guilty of not showing up to help their fellow Americans who were being preyed upon by rioters.
"We, the jury, find Kyle Rittenhouse awesome, and every other man in the country a sniveling coward for not having the courage to do what Kyle did," said the jury. "When our fellow Americans are being tormented by murderous communist radicals, and the police fail to step up, it's on us to protect and care for our neighbors. Shame on you, every man in America!"
The jury then stood up and loudly booed every man in America. "Boo! You cowards!"
"Ok, that's all well and good," the judge replied, "but have you reached a verdict for Kyle Rittenhouse?"
"Oops, yeah... we're getting to that, maybe after lunch," the jury replied.
According to sources, all the men in America will have to show up in Kenosha next week for sentencing.
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.