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As everyone knows, the only possible way to help the underprivileged is to give money to the government and let them do it for you. But have you ever wondered how bureaucrats help your hard-earned dollars make it all the way to the people who need it most?
Let The Babylon Bee break down the whole process for you:
1) The IRS asks you to please take a wild guess at how much money you should pay them.
2) The IRS takes this amount of money. If you guessed the wrong amount, straight to jail!
3) Your money goes to the IRS, who then rolls a 20-sided die to see if they should use your money to pay an auditor to see if you gave them the correct amount of money.
4) If your money makes it past this step, it goes to the Treasury Department. They will then use your money as collateral to borrow a larger sum of money from China.
5) China will use this holding of debt to ensure no one opposes their heinous crimes against humanity. Clever!
6) Before giving it to those in need, the government allocates the money for the following important uses:
- Predator drones to defeat international aid workers and their families
- NIH funding for a new deadlier coronavirus
- Transgender surgery for indigenous preschoolers
7) Now, it's time to help the underprivileged! If there's any money left over, the government uses it to fund a massive bureaucracy that oversees helping the underprivileged.
8) After paying the salary and benefits of the 287,000 people in the bureaucracy, oh no! There's no money left! It's time to raise taxes!
9) We need to raise taxes to help the poor! Give us more money! What's that? You're out of money?
10) The government declares that Elon Musk is a freeloader and we need to raise his taxes.
11) The underprivileged are reminded to vote for Democrats so they can raise taxes to repeat steps 1 through 10.
Congratulations! You now know where your money is going! Doesn't that make you feel better? Now make sure and start saving money for the next tax season!
NOT SATIRE: Have a heart for people? Want to leverage private dollars to help those who have fallen on hard times? Maybe you want to donate to your place of worship or charities working to preserve our constitutional rights.
Maybe you believe, as Tesla CEO Elon Musk said during his recent Babylon Bee interview, that "Anything done by the government is going to be inefficient." Maybe you want to help people now and ensure the biggest bang for your buck - especially when it comes to your charitable dollars.
Whatever your charitable aspirations are, let the Novus Society at DonorsTrust help. Click here to download our donor prospectus and discover how a charitable-investment account with the Novus Society at DonorsTrust could jumpstart your giving and reduce your taxable income.
Sick of the woke Oscars? Why not watch the first annual Babylon Bee Awards Show: