LONDON — The European members of NATO have rushed to the defense of Ukraine following criticism by the Trump administration, promising to support its ongoing war with Russia. As a show of support, Europe has pledged its collective military might of three panzer tanks and one of those Nazi motorcycles with a sidecar.
"Unlike Trump, we will give you our entire military supply!" German Chancellor Olaf Scholz said as he presented Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy with three German Panzer IV tanks and a BMW R75 motorcycle complete with neat functioning sidecar. "Sorry, this is all we have."
The Panzer IV was the most produced German tank during World War II and is widely regarded by enthusiasts and hobbyists to be "pretty awesome, and a cool-looking model to have on, like, a desk or bookshelf or something." The BMW R75 was a heavy motorcycle built for rugged terrain that featured a sidecar German soldiers could shoot from, making it a fast-moving terror on wheels. Unlike the tank, however, it did not achieve worldwide notoriety until it was featured in Disney's Bedknobs and Broomsticks.
"What does Russia have? Bears?" French President Emmanuel Macron chimed in. "You'll be fine. Now pose for a picture with us, Lil' Z."
The momentous occasion marks the first time Europe has done anything on behalf of NATO, though they stopped short of letting Ukraine into the treaty organization. "You take out the entire Russian army with that BMW R75 and we'll talk," Chancellor Scholz said as he ruffled Zelenskyy's hair. "Now get out of here, you little rascal!"
At publishing time, President Zelenskyy was called ungrateful after he said the three panzer tanks and Nazi motorcycle were not enough to keep Russia at bay.
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