DAYTON, OH - After procuring a confession that he believed in the doctrine of biblical inerrancy and charging him with the capital crimes of dogmatism, closed-mindedness, and fundamentalism, authorities at St. John's Episcopal Church condemned and then burned member Richard Livingston at the stake early Saturday in front of a cheering and sneering crowd.
"Die, wicked fundamentalist! You deserve this!" open-minded Episcopalians were heard yelling at the unrepentant man as he went up in flames. "Too bad you weren't more open-minded and tolerant of heresies, untruths, ungrounded speculations, and other loosey-goosey opinions about the Bible!"
"I would say 'burn in hell,' if I believed the Bible when it says that such a place exists! But I emphatically do not!" another member was heard shouting.
After Livingston perished, St. John's leadership revealed to reporters that he is the 37th church member they have executed for various crimes of doctrinal integrity this year, all by burning, "so the fire can cleanse and purge them of their wicked, historical, biblically sound theology."
Church Reverend Ian Twist describes the stern sentences as necessary. "In antiquity it was the heretics who were punished - not anymore. We now understand apostasies and charlatans to be essential, life-giving pieces of the church family. Christianity has evolved as a fluid, pliable, inclusive life path, and we must weed out toxic, straight-and-narrow beliefs, like those held by the late Mr. Livingston."
"We cannot and will not let the Scriptures get a foothold among our people," he added.
Asked why membership at St. John's and the Episcopal Church at large had been plummeting in recent years, Reverend Twist just shrugged.