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Entire Baptist Church Still Pretending Not To Drink

BILOXI, MS—Sources at Biloxi Seventh Baptist Church confirmed Tuesday that the entire church body is still pretending never to drink alcoholic beverages.

Based on the church's strong convictions, every member of the church is staunchly committed to pretend to abstain from alcohol while in the presence of other Baptists.

"It's important to avoid the appearance of evil," said church member Fred Myers. "That's why I committed a long time ago to never let on that I love downing a few craft beers during a ball game on the weekends." Myers always orders a Diet Coke when with his Baptist friends and family, though he's been known to order a beer on tap as long as he's in another state where no one can recognize him.

Other members of the church share the same commitment. Take Ethel Carver, 82. She credits her long life to her zealous dedication to the Lord, eating lots of fruits, vegetables, and casseroles, and pretending not to down two shots of whiskey before bed every night.

"Ever since I was a little girl, my parents raised me right, the Baptist way," she said. "We don't smoke, we don't chew, we don't drink alcohol unless no other Baptists are around. Just like the Bible says."

Church members have developed advanced strategies to prevent other church members from finding out they drink, from buying their alcohol hundreds of miles away and carrying it into the house in paper bags to drinking their favorite beer out of a fountain drink cup, just in case the pastor drops by unannounced.

At publishing time, Pastor Buck had announced a new sermon series entitled The Evils of Letting Other People Find Out You Drink Alcohol.

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