WASHINGTON, D.C.—Earlier this week, the Democrats went to serve notice to the nation that they're ready to take Trump down. In their warning shot, a tiny, extremely fuel-efficient car pulled up in front of the Capitol Building. Out of that car emerged a seemingly endless stream of 2020 presidential candidates.
The first candidate to emerge from the car was Kamala Harris, followed by a wide-eyed Cory Booker desperately trying to keep three juggling balls aloft and then Elizabeth Warren, who waved around her DNA test proving she’s 1/1024th Native American.
“How did they get so many people in that little car?” exclaimed President Trump as he watched from a motorcade nearby, not seeming to understand the threat as he clapped with amusement. “This is fun! Aides! AIDES! Stop the car and get me some cotton candy!”
Next was Amy Klobuchar, who accidentally bumped the door and then punched it in anger. Then came Julian Castro, followed by Bernie Sanders, who looked confused and started muttering about billionaires.
“How many more could there be!?” shrieked Trump, who was rapt with attention.
Next to emerge were Pete Buttigieg and John Delaney.
“I don’t know who these guys are,” said Trump.
Next out of the tiny car were Joe Biden and Kirsten Gillibrand, who was quickly pushed aside when she got in the way of the condiments of a nearby hotdog vendor. After that was Tulsi Gabbard and then Beto O’Rourke, who landed on a skateboard.
“They’re so silly! I love this!” Trump shouted, now jumping up and down.
The Democratic candidates had planned to give a speech on how they together would take down the Trump presidency, but they kept talking over each other and got mad and started slinging mud at each other.
“Yay!” yelled Trump. “They are so funny! And look at their silly faces and big feet!” This remark caused many of the 2020 hopefuls to become very self-conscious.
It appeared that even more candidates would emerge from the tiny car, but Trump was bored by then and nodded off into his afternoon nap, traces of cotton candy still adorably clinging to his face and chin.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.