WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Elizabeth Warren forcefully denounced the Supreme Court decision to ban affirmative action, explaining that it's the only reason a young Native American girl like herself was able to go to Rutgers.
"I would have been trapped in a life of growing corn and tanning buffalo hides," explained Senator Warren. "For me, affirmative action was the difference between Rutgers and the reservation."
According to her autobiography, Elizabeth Warren grew up in Oklahoma as part of the Comanche tribe. Despite spending most of her days in a teepee preparing buffalo stew, the young Liz Warren harbored a dream to one day go to Rutgers and become a Senator. "I had no Ivy League qualifications -- nothing but the ability to shoot a deer through the heart with an arrow from fifty yards," said Mrs. Warren. "Rutgers took away a spot from a more qualified white man and gave it to me, allowing me a chance to take back the prosperity the white man stole from my tribe. Without affirmative action, my life would be nothing but a trail of tears."
Several other Democrats have also expressed frustration at the prospect of universities no longer being able to discriminate against people based on the color of their skin. "How can we educate the young minds of America when we have to let Asians in?" asked Senator Sheldon Whitehouse. "We're trying to overcome oppression here. What have Japanese-Americans ever been through?"
At publishing time, Senator Warren had vowed to start a scholarship program to help young casino employees go to law school.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
