CHARLOTTE, NC—Due to the church’s dangerous overuse of hundreds of lasers, pulsating effects, and strobe lighting, a local judge ordered Elevation Church to post a photosensitive seizure warning outside its church building before every service, sources confirmed Thursday.
According to the court order, local authorities became aware of the threat as dozens of church visitors had complained of headaches, strokes, seizures, and dizziness in recent weeks.
In response to the small-claims lawsuits alleging light-show-induced illnesses, a court hearing concluded that the only possible solution to the church’s over-the-top, dazzling production of light and sound was to ask church leaders to post warnings for any visitors who might be sensitive to light.
“We’ve had more reports of photosensitive epileptic seizures at Elevation than at any of the local nightclubs,” Judge Edgar J. Reynoso told reporters. “So in response to several suits followed in small claims court, we’re asking Elevation to simply warn people that their church gathering contains wild and potentially dangerous effects.”
“Even sitting in the court room reviewing footage as evidence, I was getting a little queasy, to be honest,” he added.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.