EAST PALESTINE, OH — Despite recent hardship, the quaint village of East Palestine has seen a surge in real estate sales as embittered Californians seek refuge in a state promising a better quality of life.
"California is a cesspool!" said Jason Gillespie, formerly of Fresno, CA. "And don't get me started on the gas prices. At least here in East Palestine, I can afford to eat!"
The Gillespie family is not alone. According to a new report, approximately 700 families have moved to East Palestine within the last week alone and by the end of the year, the Census Bureau estimates the city will have a larger population than San Francisco.
Derrick Pastrano, formerly of San Bernardino, CA, was reportedly adamant to leave California behind after he received a $437.00 gas bill. "Living in California is a death sentence. I think we'll have a better chance here," he said, surrounded by hundreds of dead chickens. "And look! There's plenty to eat all over the ground!"
Like the Gillespies and Pastranos, other Californians casually dismissed any concern for the giant toxic cloud looming overhead. "Beats all crime, used needles, and poop everywhere!" said Mona Starling, formerly of Bakersfield.
Palestine Mayor Trent Conaway is proud of his city's recent boost in popularity. "This city really is where you want to be," he said during a press conference where he tried to keep current residents from abandoning their homes to flee the ecological disaster.
Moving to East Palestine is expected to increase the life span of Californians by up to 15 years, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
At publishing time, California Governor Gavin Newsom had spent millions on an unnecessary commercial in which he blasted the town of East Palestine for stealing California residents and not having enough drag queen story hours.
Grisham Public Library in Fallbrook, California is making waves with its fun, inclusive Satan story hour.