WASHINGTON, D.C. - The next Presidential election is three years away, but Democratic leaders in Congress aren't wasting any time getting out the vote.
"Republicans tricked Biden into creating a supply chain crisis so your vote wouldn't make it in time," said Pelosi in a statement. "You can fix that by mailing in your ballots for Biden right now! As long as they're postmarked by this week, they should make it by 2024."
When asked what exactly voters should be sending in since advance ballots were not available due to supply chain congestion, Pelosi explained, "Just write it on a napkin or something and we'll count it. And if Republicans object we'll just tell everyone they hate democracy."
Concerns over the failing health of Joe Biden were dismissed by Pelosi, who insisted he will be the presidential candidate in 2024. "If you ask a question like that again I will call you a Republican and you'll never work in journalism again," she added.
At publishing time, Sen. Bernie Sanders expressed interest in challenging Biden for the presidency with a grassroots style mail-in vote in which all ballots are personally dropped off at one of his three houses.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: