WASHINGTON, D.C. - According to sources at a small village near Washington, D.C., Dr. Fauci came running into the town screaming that a wolf is coming to devour everyone, for the fifth time this week.
"Hey, everyone, a wolf is coming! This time I'm serious!" he shouted. "Super serious!" Holding back laughter, he continued, "This wolf variant is the scariest wolf yet! The last one was just an Alpha Wolf, but this one is a Delta Wolf! It's twice as bitey with big, sharp, nasty teeth!"
"Stay home, stay safe!"
Democrats in the town said that we really need to take him seriously because he's a public health expert. "You know, I know he was wrong the other four times, but he's a scientist. Science changes and so our opinions have to shift with the science. This time, I think he's right," said one woman. "In fact, I think I'm going to get a Dr. Fauci bobblehead, since he's been so good at defending our town from wolves."
Republicans in the town, being bigoted and conservative, suggested that Fauci be fired as the town doctor, since they are scared of facts. "You know, I'm starting not to take this guy seriously," said one man. "There's only a 0.008% chance that you'll be killed by a wolf, you know. I saw that on Wolf News last night with Barker Carlson." Sadly, the man was later eaten by a wolf.