WASHINGTON, D.C. - Dr. Fauci has recommended that all kids older than two continue to wear helmets and bubble wrap full time while outside the house.
"Frankly, absolutely kids over two should be wearing bubble wrap and helmets all the time," the doctor said in an interview with CNN Wednesday. "It's just common sense. Follow the SCIENCE!"
According to Fauci, children need to be wrapped head to toe in the stuff, as it will protect them from a variety of injuries and illnesses.
"Not only will this protect our kids from COVID transmission, it will stop them from getting boo-boos," he said. The doctor explained that it will help them avoid any scrapes on the slide or swings, and if they get bullied for any reason - such as for wearing bubble wrap and a helmet - the protective gear will stop them from getting hurt. It will also help them perhaps try out for the goalie position on a scrappy underdog city hockey team.
Progressive parents immediately followed his orders and wrapped their children as young as two in bubble wrap and strapped helmets securely to their heads at all times.
Fauci has also recommended everyone wear bubble wrap over their faces all the time, which he says will "end transmission of COVID via breathing forever."