Dozens Injured At Capitol After Omnibus Bill Tips Over
Politics · Mar 21, 2024 ·

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to reports, several members of Congress and staffers were injured at the Capitol after the new omnibus spending bill tipped over and fell on them.

The congressional staffers were performing routine clerical tasks for the massive piece of legislation when it began to wobble. The subsequent crash, which was loud enough to be heard throughout Capitol Hill, resulted in three staff members and a handful of Congressmen being crushed and temporarily pinned underneath the mountain of pork spending documentation before help arrived.

"It was a gruesome scene," one source within the Capitol said. "There was paper flying everywhere. People were screaming. I was shocked by the amount of blood. The rescue team arrived quickly, but it took them a considerable amount of time to dig through the legislation and locate the trapped staffers. It was pretty tense. Almost as tense as that time AOC got those M&Ms stuck in her nose."

After working for several hours, emergency personnel were finally able to extricate the injured people and transport them to a local hospital. "They were in pretty rough shape," one first responder said. "Have you seen the size of that spending bill? These poor folks are lucky to be alive, though it's suspected they may never walk or eat solid food ever again. It's a cautionary tale, really. Too much government spending can be deadly."

At publishing time, Congress had put together additional legislation for $100 billion in taxpayer funding to construct heavy-duty scaffolding and supports to prevent massive bills from falling in the future.

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