NEW YORK, NY — Former CNN host Don Lemon has quickly landed on his feet after his sudden firing yesterday, as he will now have the opportunity to continue lecturing the American public from his new position as a barista at his local Starbucks.
"You certainly have a lot of gall," Lemon was overheard saying to one Starbucks patron this morning. "You spend five minutes waiting in line, then you get up here to order, and you don't know what you want? Can you say, ‘privilege?' Shame on you, sir! SHAME on you!"
The Starbucks location manager jumped at the chance to hire Lemon, citing his well-established arrogance and track record of looking down on other people. "He's a natural!" said store manager Gaby Posteuca. "The snobby tone in his voice. The condescension. It's all perfect. I didn't care that he didn't have barista experience. He's just gone from lecturing people while they bring him his coffee to lecturing people while he gets them their coffee. It's a perfect fit!"
Lemon seemed to settle into the new role quickly. "A ‘white' mocha latte, you said?" he could be heard asking another customer. "So, you're not even trying to hide the fact that your preference is ‘white.' I'm afraid, sir, that your unconscious bias is showing through quite clearly."
Though, according to reports, his first day was progressing well, Lemon was still seen looking wistfully into a mirror and shedding a single tear during his break.
At publishing time, the store manager was committed to sticking with Lemon despite the fact that he was last heard telling a middle-aged female customer if she waited any longer to decide on her order, she would be past her prime.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.