ATLANTA, GA — According to CNN's Department of Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion, news anchor and prolific storyteller Don Lemon has been required to participate in sensitivity training until he can learn to quit referring to his coworkers as "Dusty Old Broads."
Drama surrounding Mr. Lemon began when he referred to 2024 presidential contender Nikki Haley as "not in her prime" and "Ol' Rickety Nikki," which led to his immediate referral to The Georgia Sensitivity Training Center for Out-of-Touch CNN News Anchors.
"What is this, a center for aunts?" asked Lemon after being introduced to the center's female staffers, indicating just how far the disgraced news anchor would have to go to earn back the trust of America's Prune Guild.
Initial reports suggest his training sessions may have started off poorly after he referred to the 47-year old sensitivity expert assigned to him as "The Silver Scolder" and asked if someone was ready to take her to a nice farm upstate.
"Mr. Lemon is making progress," said Chief Sensitivity Trainer Lola Maple. "He no longer refers to older women as "Hagtastic" or "Hoary Crones," but is still working to remove a few creative expressions from his vocabulary such as "Wrinklemongers," "Baggy Ent Nanas," and "The Fossil Posse."
The center reported confidence in their ability to exact lasting change in Mr. Lemon, referring to past successes such as teaching Jeffrey Toobin basic laptop camera management and curing Brian Stelter of Au Gratîn-phobia. They withheld comment on Chris Cuomo.
At publishing time, Don Lemon had returned to CNN but was immediately fired after referring to his coworkers as "The Sag Battalion."
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: