WASHINGTON, D.C. — After House Speaker Kevin McCarthy released uncut footage from the January 6 riot to Fox News host Tucker Carlson, sources are reporting the biggest bombshell from the tapes is the revelation that Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez died 13,491 times during the riot.
"In AOC's next death, the footage shows the insurrectionists going stall-to-stall in the bathrooms and growling that they were going to ‘get AOC,' followed by cutting to black – more clear evidence that they ‘got' her." CNN's Jake Tapper emphasized the ominous word "got" before removing his glasses to convey he had grown misty-eyed at the thought of AOC dying for the 7,919th time.
AOC has weighed in on Twitter, both to praise the network's "AOC Death Counter" in the lower-left corner of the screen, and to call attention to the root causes of her death. "I wouldn't have been killed the first 7,918 times if not for these repressed conservatives calling attention to the effects of my policies – it was only a matter of time that all this white supremacy, stochastic terrorism, and character assassination would lead to another real assassination of me. Ooh, look, the counter just jumped again...a moment of silence for me. #RIPAOC"
The New York representative has continued to live-tweet CNN's coverage of her deaths, tweeting the "skull" emoji with each death. At publishing time, she Tweeted "Why are the numbers going up when there's one less of me every time I died on that fateful day? We need Congress to get to the bottom of this."
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.