U.S. — Unsealed documents from the Department of Justice reveal that postal workers were formally authorized to use deadly force while delivering mail to Mar-a-Lago.

"This is standard procedure," confirmed Attorney General Merrick Garland. "We are in no way secretly targeting Donald Trump. We are merely authorizing mail carriers to fire on Donald Trump if he shows up to collect his mail. This is for the safety of our postal workers and is nothing out of the ordinary."

To date, no mail carriers have been harmed while visiting Mar-a-Lago, but experts warn it's only a matter of time before Trump is caught eagerly waiting for a package. To prepare for this eventuality, the United States Postal Service will require all its employees who deliver to Mar-a-Lago to pass a gun safety course in which they fire on targets made to look like Donald Trump.

"This totally standard and not at all unusual protocol saves lives," Deputy Postmaster Milton Farmland said. Then, speaking through an intercom to trainees, he shouted, "Shoot to kill! Shoot to kill!"

"Neither snow, nor rain, nor Trump shall stay these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds," said Postmaster General Benjamin Connell, quoting the United States Postal Service creed as he adjusted the sights on his SVD Dragunov.

Asked to comment on the matter, President Biden explained he had no knowledge of what the DOJ does, or what his name is. "What is mail?" asked Biden. "This sounds like a trick. Did Jill put you up to this? Where's my ice cream?"

At publishing time, outraged congressional Republicans vowed to hold the administration accountable by writing a strongly worded letter to the DOJ.

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