HEAVEN — All of the dogs living in Heaven fled in horror today upon the arrival of notorious neutering advocate Bob Barker.
"What on earth has gotten into the dogs?" wondered St. Peter as they sprinted away from the gates in sheer terror. "Weird. Oh, hey there Mr. Barker!"
According to Heavenly sources, Mr. Barker showed up at the pearly gates holding sharp, ominous appearing instruments. "So long as there are puppies, my mission continues," said Mr. Barker. "I'll go straight to work getting the citizens of Heaven on board - but I'm feeling young again and ready to take on a few myself. Here boy!"
While the dogs of Heaven scampered away in fear, the souls in Heaven were reportedly ecstatic to welcome Mr. Barker. "I have such great memories from my past life of when I was sick, curling up with a bowl of chicken noodle soup and watching Mr. Barker," said Heavenly resident Jared Powell. "It will be so fun to have another game show up here. I heard that Satan is actually going to let the souls in Hell watch The Price Is Right, but only the Drew Carey years. Sad!"
At publishing time, the Lord Almighty had reportedly sat down with Mr. Barker to explain that the neutering had to stop at the pearly gates.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
