SEATTLE, WA — Liberal man Jonathan Seymour passed away, dying on the toilet as he awaited instructions from the Center for Disease Control on how to wipe his own butt.
"I kept telling him to just go for it," said housemate Ronald Mills. "Jonathan just wouldn't take the risk."
Officials say Mr. Seymour became severely dehydrated as he refused to move from the toilet for either food or water. "What am I supposed to do??" cried Mr. Seymour, desperate for guidance. "I can't do this alone! Front to back? Back to front? Folded or unfolded? How many squares? Speak to me, Fauci!"
Sadly, bereft of instruction from the CDC, Mr. Seymour remained on the commode until his untimely passing. "It's really tragic," said Mr. Mills. "No one should ever die because they don't know how to wipe. I promise you this, I will not rest until the CDC issues guidance on how a person is supposed to wipe their butt. If I can save just one person from dying on the toilet, it feels like Jonathan's death will have meant something."
At publishing time, a nearby liberal woman had reportedly passed away while awaiting CDC guidance on what to do after exhaling.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
