U.S.—A survey of leading physicians unanimously agreed that the best response to COVID-19 is for the government to lock everything down, then reopen, then lock down again, then reopen again and to just keep doing that until everyone completely loses their minds. "Humanity's will to live is not infinite," said Dr. Fostein of Columbia Medical University. "I'm confident we can crush the collective human spirit into a fine powder with just a few more lockdowns and reopenings."
Fostein says that humanity is on track to go into a collective nervous breakdown after several more lockdowns and reopenings, which doctors agree will lead to a new age of compliance. "At that point, we can just strap everybody down, sedate them, and do what needs to be done to get America back on track."
Doctors defended the "lockdown-reopen infinite loop" strategy, citing the fact that not everyone listens to absolutely every word they say without question. "We are tired of being questioned," said Dr. Whiltern of Newbury Medical Authority. "Also, watching everybody go nuts is going to be a blast."
Most physicians think that the initial stages of mental breakdown have already begun. "People have been losing it quite a bit, sure. Looting, canceling Aunt Jemima, tearing down statues of legit American icons, trying to abolish cops... but this is just the beginning. We can do better. We will do better."
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