CINCINNATI, OH—Procter & Gamble unveiled today its new more socially conscious toothpaste: 3D Black, a toothpaste that promises to take your white teeth and make them as black as possible.
The company's social justice consultants reviewed all of Crest's products and found that there were a troubling number of references to whiter teeth, whitening, and making things brighter. So, in order to apologize for years of racism and insensitivity, Crest products will no longer whiten teeth, but will instead blacken them.
"Our new blackening toothpaste will remove up to 96% of toxic whiteness," said a company spokesperson. "Now, when you smile at someone at the grocery store and they see your completely black mouth, they'll know that you care about equality. Well, I mean, if you're not wearing a mask. Which would mean you don't care about equality and want grandma to die. Well, except if it's at a BLM protest, because then, having no mask is fine. Well, except..." This went on for a while.
Procter & Gamble is making similar changes across its hundreds of brands, with Tide now promising to make your whites blacker and Mr. Clean being removed from packages for looking too much like a skinhead.