BOSTON, MA — The office of Doctor Rodney Thorne has had a busy week telling patients he is no longer providing gender-affirming care to minors, while also emphasizing that the decision to cancel all gender transition surgeries has nothing to do with the massive pile of lawsuits stacked against the wall behind his office.

"Oh, those towering piles of legal complaints? They're, umm, totally unrelated to my former practice of cutting the genitals off minor children," said Dr. Thorne to reporters as a receptionist walked in and added a dozen more lawsuits to the piles teetering precariously behind him. "I'm transitioning my practice to focus on, err, spleens. Yes, I've always had a love for spleen surgeries."

Dr. Thorne explained how changing his surgical practice may leave a dent in his finances, and added that he may have to sell one of the yachts. His lawyer then leaned over and whispered in the doctor's ear.

"Well, I guess I won't be selling any yachts, as my assets are frozen, which has nothing to do with these lawsuits, which aren't even about gender transition surgeries to minors, they're lawsuits about dangerous microaggressions that I aggressed, and some of those papers are thank you letters from very happy patients that totally don't want to kill me and also I'm retiring tomorrow, I mean today."

At publishing time, Dr. Thorne's office had been boarded up and he had been seen trying to board a plane to Belize before a mob of kids whose lives had been destroyed by lucrative transition surgeries could catch him and tear off his limbs.

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