AUSTIN, TX — After legions of Texas feminists were thrown into an uproar over a court ruling prohibiting the sending of abortion pills by mail, Planned Parenthood released a statement assuring people they would begin mailing out loaded handguns instead.
"This will definitely get the same results," Planned Parenthood spokesperson Sue Gregory said in a statement to the media. "If the legal system refuses to allow us to provide women with the at-home healthcare option to conveniently kill their unborn children at home, we simply have to adapt and come up with alternative ways to help them end their babies' lives."
Sources say 9mm Glock pistols are already being shipped to customers in areas where they are unable to acquire abortion pills in the mail. Planned Parenthood claims the "bullet" method is a "quick, painless, and effective" means of aborting a baby, and has "absolutely no side effects."
"Loaded guns are healthcare, full stop," said Planned Parenthood CEO Jennifer Welch. "We need to get as many loaded guns into the hands of women with unwanted pregnancies as possible. It's the compassionate thing to do."
At publishing time, Planned Parenthood had announced they will soon be mailing out pruning shears for at-home gender surgery.
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