SAVANNAH, GA—A husband and wife in the midst of a divorce are currently embroiled in a custody battle over their preferred church pew. The once-happy couple is reportedly causing discord within the church as they each vie for their preferred spot 3 rows from the front and to the right.
The furious husband, Adam Perot, claims to be unable to sit anywhere else. “I’ve sat in the same pew for years. Everyone knows I sit there. [My wife] can pound sand!”
An attorney speaking on behalf of the estranged wife, Lilith, said: “My client has been a faithful member of that church for years. She may have started sitting there because of her marriage, but the right side of the auditorium is currently overpopulated. She is not going to move and become a ‘left pew’ person.”
Pews on the sparsely populated left side of the church auditorium are famous for being full of weaker Christians, say anonymous sources.
“I have seen churches split over this,” warned the pastor who is acting as a mediator for the couple. “Stop annoying everybody or I’m going to guilt you into saving your marriage.”
At publishing time, both Adam and Lilith had relinquished claims to the pew after a random visitor sat in the spot and refused to take a hint that it wasn’t his spot.
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.