BURBANK, CA—After a handful of influential actresses released statements claiming that many Disney movies such as Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, and Snow White were banned in their household for their problematic themes, Disney announced they would be pulling all copies of Beauty and the Beast from shelves and reimagining the story to better suit the times.
In the new version, Belle will shame, nag, harangue, and chastise the Beast for his unacceptable behavior until he magically transforms into a submissive, whithered, timid beta male.
“The old story is just so archaic. Falling in love with a giant monster? I teach my daughters never to fall in love with monsters,” said Hollywood starlet Kiera Knightley, who also said that in her house, they take all fairy tales completely literally. Also, in reference to Snow White, she said, ‘I teach my girls if a man kisses you after you die and it brings you back to life, pepper spray that creep right in the eyes because that is nonconsensual resurrection kissing and it should never be tolerated!”
Disney says they have a new version of Snow White in the works with that very ending.
While the remake of Beauty and the Beast is in production, Disney has floated the idea of doing more remakes that correct old movies to fit the proper, moral feminist narrative.
“We’re working on a Cinderella rewrite where Cinderella assassinates the prince with a pumpkin nuke to protest the one percent,” said Disney executive Jace Miranda. “In our Little Mermaid remake, Ariel thinks the prince is stupid and just stays in the ocean rolling her eyes at his patriarchal nonsense. It’s really inspiring.” Miranda also said that their remake of Sleeping Beauty will be retitled “Woke Womyn” because the idea that a woman would sleep or be called beautiful is patriarchal garbage.
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