Disney Awarded Defense Contract After Producing More Bombs Than Lockheed Martin
Entertainment · Nov 28, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

BURBANK, CA — In what the United States Government hopes will be the start of a long and fruitful partnership, The Walt Disney Company has been awarded a lucrative Department of Defense contract after overtaking Lockheed Martin in the production of bombs.

"This is a momentous day for our company," said Disney CEO Bob Iger. "We now have a useful channel to funnel our bomb-making efforts. Though the fact that we have been producing bombs of immense scale for the last decade has previously only resulted in losing hundreds of millions of dollars, we can now actually make money with our bombs."

After awarding large defense contracts to industry mainstays like Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, Northrop Grumman, and Honeywell, officials within the Pentagon were shocked and impressed to discover the long line of devastating bombs produced by Disney in recent years. "We thought we knew where to find the biggest bombs," said Gen. Richard Thornbody. "When we saw the trail of destruction Disney has been leaving in its wake with these bombs, we knew we had to forge a relationship with them."

Whereas Disney had been desperately looking for ways to stop making bombs, this government contract will serve as a new beginning for the House of Mouse. "We were all feeling the heat," Iger said. "Now, we can stop worrying about how to fix things and go back to focusing on cranking out bomb after bomb after bomb."

At publishing time, with tensions increasing overseas with Russia, China, and in the Middle East, the Pentagon was eagerly awaiting the release of the live-action remake of Snow White, which insiders speculate may be Disney's biggest bomb yet.


By now the whole internet has heard Ben Shapiro rapping, but did you know that there are actually two more verses they cut out of the track?

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction

Ready to join the conversation? Subscribe today.

Access comments and our fully-featured social platform.

Sign up Now

You must signup or login to view or post comments on this article.