MAR-A-LAGO, FL — The top-secret military base Area 51 is being overrun by curious visitors this morning after former president Trump announced he had declassified the installation in his mind several years ago.
"Yes, yes, I totally declassified Area 51, completely and totally. In my mind I did it," said Trump in a recent interview with Sean Hannity. "The President, which I was, and some would stay still am, can totally do that. Other presidents were too afraid to open up Area 51, but not me. It's my executive privilege. You're welcome!"
Reports on location indicate that thousands have already gathered in the desert to enter the newly declassified base. "I'm gonna see them aliens!" said one enthusiastic local. "Thanks, President Trump!"
Trump pushed back against critics who claim that he has no authority to just declare he secretly declassified a military base and open it up years after the fact. "Those critics are losers," said Trump. "I've seen the aliens. They're boring. Little green people. No big deal. Declassified, folks!"
At publishing time, the Biden Administration was scrambling to react after Trump announced he had also declassified Ashley Biden's diary.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
