BAKERSFIELD, CA - After exhausting every pre-packaged sermon guide and abridged commentary at his disposal, local pastor Brian Peterson reportedly found himself forced to do something highly unusual.

Frustrated and left with nothing to lose, Peterson asked his two children, Matthew, 7, and Junior, 5, if they wanted to "go outside and throw a ball or whatever," in hopes that the quality time would yield nuggets of wisdom or pithy observations he could use to pad out his 25-minute Sunday sermon.

"Hey Junior, do you have anything cute to say about the sunset, or God's love, or something?" the minister prodded as the three idly tossed an oversized foam ball around their yard. When the two boys only wanted to talk about Minecraft and crack nonsensical jokes about farting, Peterson grew visibly irritated and stormed inside, opting instead to browse DesiringGod.org for a John Piper sermon from the '90s to rip off.

As the boys' bedtime approached, Peterson reportedly resigned himself to a last-ditch effort of reading The Chronicles of Narnia to his children, who unhelpfully offered no humorous commentary or innocently-charming insights into C.S. Lewis's Christian allegories.