WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington Democrats defended their unquenchable thirst for unlimited power on Thursday, confirming that saving democracy requires one party to seize total power and rule forever.
According to long-held American values, true freedom is only possible with the consent of the governed. A government by the people, and for the people, naturally disrupts authoritarianism and leads to lasting contentment. Democrats, however, disagree.
"The only way to protect life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness — as our founders envisioned — is to wrest control of the government from the people and mandate love through unassailable government regulation," explained House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "It's the only way to keep democracy alive."
The consensus among lawmakers is that American democracy struggles under the weight of totalitarian ideals. Democrats, in particular, have warned that an increase in differences of opinion conflicts with their goals — goals which are obviously democratic in nature because it's the name of their party.
"I know what you're thinking, what if we accidentally give control to Hitler?" laughed Jeffries. "Just don't think about it. Give us unlimited power. UNLIMITED POWER!"
"Let democracy die. Kill it if you have to," added Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "It's the only way to save it."
Voters expressed doubt that giving unlimited power to Democrats would save democracy, but admitted that Trump must be really bad because Jimmy Kimmel said so.
At publishing time, Democratic lawmakers clarified that the only way to preserve the free exchange of ideas was to completely eliminate anyone who has an opinion different from theirs.
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