SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom finally admitted today that he has no real desire to become President of the United States and is actually just looking for an excuse to leave California.
In a rare moment of candor, Newsom confided to aides that he would do anything to escape the hellhole of filth and crushing taxes known as California, even if it meant campaigning for president.
"I don't give a rip about being president. I just have to get out of here," explained Newsom. "California is an absolute catastrophe. How do you ruin a state this beautiful? Whoever did it should be held accountable. It's maddening. I'll do whatever it takes to find a one-way ticket away from this dump."
According to internal sources, Newsom's new book and national appearances were all part of an increasingly elaborate escape attempt. "My message to the American people is this: please, don't leave me here. Take me with you," said Newsom at his latest interview. "Give me a new house, somewhere east of here. Please. I can't deal with one more hobo trying to hump my leg while I'm choking on wildfire smoke. I'm begging you."
At publishing time, Newsom had quietly called the White House to ask if any open cabinet positions might require an immediate job transfer.
California transplants Steve and Timpani try to be the perfect Texas hosts for Brittuni's visit, but Steve quickly realizes he needs a sensible vehicle now that he's about to become a dad.
