U.S. - In an address to the nation written using letters cut out from a magazine and glued to paper, the Democrats are offering their most persuasive case yet for Biden's election. According to the letter, Democrats have planted booby traps rigged with dynamite all throughout the country, and they are set to explode if Biden is not elected president.
"Why so serious?" said Biden's running mate Kamala Harris. "It's just a little joke! The real joke is Trump, and we're just joining in all the fun! HEE HEE HEE HA HO HA HEE HO!"
"Vote for Biden, or the country you love will be blown sky-high -- HAHAHA!" cackled Nancy Pelosi. "If you don't want to see the Lincoln Memorial, shall we say, in a state of disrepair, you'd better vote for the old, senile man! Ha ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA... fnffff oh, do excuse me... ha ha ha ha ha! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Her heavy makeup smeared down her face as she cried in laughter, making her resemble a clown.
In a statement, Biden's teleprompter reiterated the point. "Threatening topline message: I'm not an agent of chaos," Biden's teleprompter said in a statement to the press. "But there are people out there who will create a lot of chaos if Trump is re-elected. Not that I want that to happen. I would hate to see something bad happen to this country. For your safety, I recommend voting for me. I'd hate for you to wake up with a horse's head in your bed, or a bunch of killer clowns surrounding your house. Just give us what we want. It's for your safety."
Senator Mitt Romney also issued a video statement in support of Biden, flipping a coin and shouting about how blowing up the country would be much better than the bad orange man before he turned to reveal half his face had been burned off in a recent peaceful protest. "You either die a Republican or you live long enough to see yourself become basically a Democrat."
Rep. Jerry Nadler revealed he has planted TNT all throughout the Capitol Building, as he wielded an umbrella and munched on some raw fish.
"A vote for Joe Biden is a vote to not die in an elaborately designed Rube Goldberg-style booby trap rigged with confetti and explosives," said Biden Director of Strategic Communications Kamau Mandela Marshall. "He's just trying to protect you. Let's not blow this out of proportion."
"Madness is like gravity. All it takes is a little push!" Marshall then said as he attempted to push over a statue of Columbus, though it proved to be too heavy.
