Democrats Publish List Of 7 Progressive Virtues: Envy, Greed, Pride, Lust, Outrage, Sloth, Gluten-Free Gluttony
Politics · Feb 25, 2020 ·

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Democratic Party has adopted seven progressive virtues as an official part of its platform: envy, greed, pride, lust, outrage, sloth, and gluten-free gluttony.

The Democrats published the list of virtues on their website Tuesday and called on all party members to try to live up to them in their personal and public lives.

"Each of these seven virtues represents a character quality every Democrat should strive to possess," said DNC chair Tom Perez. "We must be anchored in strong character if we are to stay true to our principles. These should act as guidelines for the kind of person every Democrat should want to become."

The list was accompanied by a short description of each virtue and why it is important to the Democrats:

  • Envy: Being jealous is what being a leftist is all about. If everyone else has more than you, how can you possibly be happy?
  • Greed: Rich people are bad because they are greedy, so you should be greedy in return and try to take all their money.
  • Pride: Being proud of your sin is a virtue. Flaunt it, baby!
  • Lust: Do whatever! Woooooo!!!
  • Outrage: Being full of wrath and anger all the time is a great character quality. GRRR!!!
  • Sloth: Let other people do all the work for you. That's just being smart.
  • Gluten-free gluttony: Eat as much as you want as long as it's gluten-free, organic, and non-GMO.

Democrats are working on a list of seven deadly sins, which is rumored to include chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness, and humility.

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

Ready to join the conversation? Subscribe today.

Access comments and our fully-featured social platform.

Sign up Now

You must signup or login to view or post comments on this article.