WASHINGTON, D.C. — High-ranking officials in the Democrat Party are reportedly "extremely perplexed" to find that their candidate whom nobody ever voted for is currently slipping in the polls.
According to House Leader Hakeem Jeffries, Democrats find it completely inexplicable why their candidate, who was never legally nominated and did not receive one single primary vote, is struggling to connect with voters.
"It just doesn't make sense," Jeffries said in a late night campaigning struggle session with the Harris PR team. "We've done everything we can to get this woman into a position of popularity — sex podcasts, truck stop videos of her eating Doritos, and even putting up fake posters in Philadelphia saying that the Eagles support her. I just don't understand why she's not doing so well in the polls. I mean, she didn't get any votes from anybody, even at our convention, but surely that can't make too much of a difference! What's going on here?"
Harris responded to Democrat confusion.
"Polls are important for democracy," Harris said, stifling a cackle as reporters around her adjusted their military-grade noise-cancelling earmuffs. "Polls begin with p. So does "people." And periphrastic. Periphrastic. What a word! Periphrastic! And that's why people need to vote!"
At publishing time, Democrats were also baffled to find that Minnesotans whose businesses and homes had been wrecked in Walz's Minneapolis race riots strongly disliked Kamala's running mate.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
