Politics
Democratic Candidates Clash Over Most Effective Plan To Destroy Economy

ATLANTA, GA—In this week's Democratic debate, a wide gap emerged between the candidates as they laid out their competing visions to cripple the country's economy.

In a crowded field, the Democratic candidates are scrambling to set themselves apart as the one with the most effective plan to crush our economic growth.

Elizabeth Warren claimed to have the most effective plan by far, citing the fact that she would cripple the economy with a $52 trillion Medicare for all plan. Buttigieg quickly fired back, saying he could destroy the nation's prosperous economic growth in half the time and also reminding everyone that he is a gay man. Cory Booker shouted, "I AM SPARTACUS!" and seemed not to understand what the discussion was about, while Biden argued with him and said that he's actually Spartacus, appearing to believe himself to be living in the Roman Empire in the First Century B.C.

Kamala Harris had an innovative plan to set herself apart: arrest everybody in the country so nobody can work at all.

Andrew Yang said some stuff too but was bleeped out by network censors.

The runaway winner from the night appeared to be Bernie Sanders, who seemed to have the firmest grasp of the best way to crash an economy, pointing to his lifelong study of Soviet-style communism and other failed socialist states all over the world.

"Sanders is a clear favorite, but let's not count out Warren or Biden yet," said one MSNBC commentator after the debate. "In a tight race like this, there are a number of candidates just insane and ignorant of basic economics enough that any one of them could bring this all crumbling to the ground."

The candidates were also distinguished from one another by exactly how much free stuff each person wanted to give away, with some candidates looking to give away as much free stuff as possible, and others planning to give away just a little bit less than that.

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