PARKLAND, FL—Gun control activist David Hogg has made a surprise announcement on Twitter. After learning that seven-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady is a friend and supporter of Donald Trump, Hogg has declared that he will now become a quarterback and win eight Super Bowls to prove “that a progressive can become a football champion.”
Hogg has wasted no time in working toward his goal, tweeting out a request for a good website to learn the rules of football. He has already partnered with some well-known activists to research the different NFL teams to find the one with the least problematic name and pick a number for his jersey that would have the best progressive connotations.
Hogg also says he is on the lookout for a good, unionized coach who doesn’t engage in “toxic masculinity” and can teach him “an offenss [sic] that is LGBTQ-inclusive” -- whatever that means.
Sports experts right now say there is little chance of any NFL team hiring Hogg, though they think he has a better chance than Colin Kaepernick.