Politics
Cuomo Invites All Accusers To Come Forward And Gather In New York Nursing Home

ALBANY, NY—Governor Cuomo invited his accusers to come forward and gather in a New York nursing home today, saying he wants to face anyone who has allegations against him and make sure they are heard and "handled appropriately."

"Please, if you have allegations against me, come forward and meet me in this nursing home, where I can be sure you are... taken care of," Governor Cuomo said at a press conference today held at Sunny Acres Nursing Home. "We have many competent people and lots of vacant beds for you to fill while you tell your story."

"All I ask is that you come forward as soon as possible. I would hate if anything were to happen to you before you got the chance to tell your truth," he said. "Sunny Acres is the place to be -- and there's always plenty of free parking!"

Cuomo then gave reporters a tour of the entirely vacant nursing home, showing them the serene, abandoned shuffleboard courts, the immaculate cafeteria, and the quiet duck pond, without a living soul in sight. "As you can see, this is the ideal locale for bringing the many thousands of potential accusers and finding out what they have to say. They'll be safe here -- eternally safe."

At publishing time, Governor Cuomo had said that if any accusers didn't feel comfortable meeting him at the nursing home, they were more than welcome to meet him down by the docks at midnight.

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