ATLANTA, GA - CNN finally gave a detailed report on Biden's sexual assault allegations on its evening broadcast Thursday.

"Well, looks like something has happened with Biden," said a CNN anchor. "For more details on this possible scandal, we go now to our revered correspondent, Mr. Cricket. Cricket, your thoughts?"

The cricket chirped for a full three minutes, representing the full extent of the coverage that viewers would receive over Biden's sexual assault accusations. When he had finished chirping, they moved the cricket back into his cage for the next time they needed a detailed report on a Democratic scandal. The cricket was very busy during the Obama years.

"There you have it -- all the coverage you're going to get out of us on the Biden thing."