VAN NUYS, CA - Local conservative man Bill Walder woke up this morning, made a cup of coffee, and immediately turned on his computer so he could check political pundit Ben Shapiro's social media pages in order to learn what news items should be outraging him today.
"I always start my morning off right, by checking with Ben to see what I should be angrily posting about in all caps for the rest of the day," Walder said as he scrolled through Shapiro's feed. "Alright, looks like we're mad about something a celebrity said, illegal immigrants, gun control, and the mainstream media."
"Huh, not too far off from yesterday's list," he muttered, sources claim.
Walder took careful notes as he clicked through and read every article the conservative commentator posted, taking down facts, talking points, and zingers to "own the libs," before he had finally become sufficiently angry for the day, according to sources.
At publishing time, Walder on his lunch break had pulled up his favorite video of Ben Shapiro, titled "WATCH AS BEN SHAPIRO TOTALLY DESTROYS A COMMUNIST," to recharge his righteous anger long enough to get him through the rest of the day.