WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the nick of time, Congress has passed a bipartisan $12 billion funding bill, narrowly avoiding a Ukrainian government shutdown.
"As elected representatives chosen by the people, it is our solemn duty, as outlined in the Constitution, to fully fund the Ukrainian government at all times," said Senator Chuck Schumer. "We humbly accept this sacred responsibility to send billions to Ukraine, who will send it to Raytheon, who will send it to super PACs, who will help us get elected. It's the right thing to do."
President Zelensky took a few moments in between magazine glamour shoots to thank America for her generosity. "We promise we will put this vast, vast wealth to good use," he said while checking the time on his new Girard-Perregaux Quasar Light Tourbillon wristwatch. "We know that Americans get up and go to work every day hoping that some of their money is used to kill Russians. I'm proud to be making their dreams come true."
Congress estimates the stopgap bill will keep Ukraine funded for at least two weeks, or until their super PACs run out of money.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: