U.S. — Good news, Christian! A new study shows that you have chosen the one and only completely correct branch of the Christian faith! You are one of the very few correct ones, everyone who disagrees with you is pathetically wrong, and you are one of God's preferred children.
"You truly are on the winning side here," said Dr. H.E. Pennypacker, who oversaw the study that confirmed your victory. "Though other believers have differing views on the nature of God, baptism, eschatology, and the place of the Mosaic Law in the Christian faith — and many of them have compelling evidence from the Bible to back up their beliefs — you are the one who is totally 100% correct! Well done!"
Despite this confirmation, it is advised that you still remain steadfast in your eagerness to argue about as many secondary issues as possible on Twitter, Facebook, YouTube comments, and everywhere else. "Diverting your focus from proclaiming the Gospel itself is absolutely fine," Dr. Pennypacker said. "As long as you spend all of your time entrenched in unproductive arguments with fellow believers about issues that are not central aspects of salvation, you'll be fine. Remember, you're the right one! God likes you best!"
At publishing time, it was also confirmed that, as one of God's favorites, you'll be eligible to receive extra perks that all those other wrong-thinking Christians won't get, and those other Christians who are wrong will receive a stern talking-to from God when they arrive in Heaven…if they even get to go to Heaven, that is.
There's lots to be thankful for, libs!
