U.S. — Following an extensive study that involved gathering information from all internet users, influencers, and podcasters, it has been officially confirmed that, in his final moments, Charlie Kirk affirmed whatever you believe.
Though arguments vary regarding where Kirk stood on a variety of issues prior to his sudden and tragic death at the hands of an assassin last fall, all evidence points to the conclusion that whatever belief you currently hold, that's what Charlie thought, too.
"Whatever you feel strongly about, Charlie agreed with you," said Dr. Jeff Wilsonson, lead researcher for the team that conducted the study. "Whether you're a mainstream conservative, a member of the ‘alt right,' or someone who holds to the extreme view that The Last Jedi was a good movie, you can now have confidence that Charlie Kirk would affirm whatever you think."
Online personalities expressed relief that they could now rest in the fact that they could tell everyone that Charlie felt the same way they do. "This helps a lot," said one podcast host. "I always knew Charlie agreed with me, even though I didn't ever actually hear him say it. Now, even though he's no longer here to speak for himself, I can now spend every day speaking on his behalf and declaring his view on anything I want. It makes it easier to just say whatever I want and support it by saying it's what Charlie wanted."
At publishing time, the research team had also concluded that everyone who worked with Charlie and knew him best didn't know nearly as much about how he felt on every issue as you do.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
