MINNEAPOLIS, MN - "Bricks, get yer bricks here, 2 for 10, 2 for 10!" cries John Braxton, 42, as he mills through a Minneapolis crowd gathered outside a courthouse. "Fine bricks, get yer fine bricks here!"
Braxton, like dozens of other concession vendors, down on their luck after a year of low-attendance and no-attendance sports games, has come to Minneapolis to sell his wares to the crowds waiting outside Derek Chauvin's murder trial. Instead of popcorn and cotton candy, though, he's selling bricks, Molotov cocktails, and pitchforks. He's turned in his Cracker Jacks for brass knuckles, his beer for bricks, and his Minnesota Twins foam fingers for foam fingers reading "Black Lives Matter."
"Honestly, I'm gonna make a fortune," said Braxton as he sold ten bricks to a white kid visiting from Portland for the show and riot. "These guys are gonna riot no matter what happens in the trial here, so I'm gonna make out like a bandit."
A 17-year-old Antifa rioter then waved that he wanted two bricks, and Braxton hurled them in his direction. Unfortunately, the Antifa rioter never had a father figure in his life, and so didn't know how to catch them and was hit square in the face.
"Oops! Sorry, son," Braxton said.
"Molotovs, get yer Molotovs, hottest Mollies around!" he called out as he moved on through the crowd, selling his goods in hopes of a better life.