Politics
CNN's Ratings Collapse As Coronavirus Fears Empty American Airports

U.S.—CNN's ratings have somehow tanked even worse than they previously had as Americans began to quarantine themselves and stopped taking commercial flights, emptying American airports and robbing the cable channel of its captive audience.

While CNN is usually able to claim millions of captive viewers every day, their audience dropped to almost nothing overnight. With airports completely devoid of weary travelers with dead smartphones and nothing to look at but CNN, the core of the channel's audience has disappeared overnight.

Screens at airports across the country continued to play CNN to empty airports, creating a spooky, dystopian atmosphere as hosts ranted to no one in particular.

On-air personalities were quick to blame the ratings dive on President Donald Trump, suggesting that he had a hand in creating the virus specifically so that CNN would implode.

"This is clearly a Trump and Fox News plot to destroy us," said Brian Stelter. "The anti-science, racist Trump administration wants you to believe this started in China, but it was clearly created in a U.S. government lab to stop the extremely popular CNN!"

Overcome with rage, Stelter then transformed into his alternate personality, a raging, hulking, green monster who breaks things and rants against Trump and Fox News all the time, which is indistinguishable from his other ego except he's green and looks a little less like George Costanza.


Babylon Bee subscriber Steve Kellam contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

Breaking: PayPal Now Available

Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.

There are 2 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.